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Jun. 7th, 2014 | 01:16 am

okay, i haven't been around to post much here because my grandfather passed on wednesday. not that anyone reads this, but yk. i haven't shed a tear [i mean we knew it was happening but i hoped it would stir up /something/ in me.] i'm sad but i don't think anything's really like hit me yet i guess. but again, it's not like we saw him all the time either so it's not the type of thing where it'll affect my day-to-day life and i guess it'll take longer to sink it because of that. it happened on wednesday literally as i was getting ready and texting my sister to get ready to go visit him so that kind of sucks. luckily i got to see him beforehand, after he'd gotten out of the hospital [in april, over spring break] but my sister hadn't in months as far as i know.

today was the wake and tomorrow is the final viewing, funeral and burial. i'm hoping maybe then something will happen. i say i'm sad but it's the type of sad where you feel like you /should/ be sad but you don't really feel much of anything? so. idk. after that i'm supposed to be driving to meet up w/ some high school friends in montauk. we were all supposed to go together this morning and spend the whole weekend there and i don't want to literally not go at all, but i do want to make sure i don't miss anything w/ the family because even if i'm not feeling much i could never forgive myself. i'm also worried about my mom. and my stepdad. his father's still sick and i felt terrible because before he met us at the wake today he had to go visit his sick father, who's birthday was today. 88 years old. his mother just passed last november.

my dad came tonight which was nice, and when he heard about all the money i'd been spending on things this summer [dental work/car insurance/first month's rent for the house this fall] he gave me some money which i hadn't been expecting. tbh he probably owes a few hundred more for the car since he tehnically bought it from me last year but i'm continuing to pay for insurance, [cheaper that way] but the fact that he was able to give any right now made me feel a lot better. i hate that having money has become feeling like a safety net and literally 99% of my anxieties are tied to financial issues but i guess that's just the way things are rn.

also about yet /another/ shooting? @ spu? i'm so fucking done w/ everything right now.

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winklevii

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from: winklevii
date: Jun. 7th, 2014 08:32 am (UTC)
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i'm so sorry about your loss dom :(

when my aunt died, i didn't cry either. and i felt a lot of the same thing about feeling like i should be sad instead of actually being sad. i honestly didn't cry about it until i was standing right in front of her grave a few weeks ago. but people deal with loss in different ways, and not crying or feeling sad isn't any less valid of a reaction than anything else. i know i felt guilty for a very long time because i wasn't as sad as i thought that i should have been about someone i loved dying, but that guilt isn't something you should have to put on yourself.

people grieve in different ways, and they react to horrible things happening in different ways. not immediately feeling that loss in the form of sadness doesn't mean that you didn't love your grandpa, or that anything is wrong with you. it's just how you're dealing, and that's okay.

if you need anyone to talk to about this i'm here bb. *hugs*

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dominique

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from: dominiqueeeee
date: Jun. 10th, 2014 02:25 am (UTC)
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thank you bb<3 i didn't end up crying - [i almost did for a minute because my mom was and i was upset for her but no.] i think i just want so badly to cry because it's been /so/ long that i don't even remember what a "real" cry feels like, plus i know it could probably be really cathartic and the last time i even remember crying @ all wasn't like a weeping/sobbing either [tbh idr when that was - could be like a good 5 years.]

anyway, thank you bb, so much. i don't think i've told you how awesome you are lately, but i hope you know so already<3 *hugs back*

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