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Jan. 2nd, 2014 | 02:52 am

i want to start using this again but the first thing i have to write about is sisyphus because i hadn't listened to calm it down in like 2 weeks and i just relistened for the first time today and it hit me all fucking over again.
bridget and i were talking today about how the entire point of the song is reassurance. "calm it down" or: "breathe" / "relax" / "take it easy" / "it'll be okay"
the first time i listened i was just trying to absorb everything and i wasn't paying super close attention to the lyrics. suddenly, "and when you feel / like driving your car / into a telephone pole / just stop it / you got it." and then quickly and softly "hit the brakes." i hit the brakes. i reread the article/interview that came out at the same time which was talking about it being a collaboration. sufjan's specific focus was to "write the hooks and sad ballads" and "be real with my lyrics." that line in the song hit me for other reasons but immediately my mind went straight to this. i have discussed a ton of sufjan's blog posts w/ others, at length, especially the ones literally dripping in sarcasm over grammar or what have you. but after that post? i put on "i want to be well" for about 10 hours and barely got out of bed that day. if i had known this song existed at that point or was at least being worked on, maybe it would have been a better day. suf said almost nothing was created autonomously and the attribution is blurry. he may have not written that part of that verse. point is, that connection just immediately hit me and there is something about that line that just feels like pouring salt into an open wound every time.

       later on release day, bridget pointed out to me that there was a sample from vesuvius a little after 4 minutes in, but it's one of the few background things that's not included in the lyrics video so i didn't pick up on it right away. "it's in your favor" - again. reassurance. (e.g. "you're going to be fine, it'll all work out for you.") vesuvius was the song that made me completely reevaluate age of adz again this summer and that's another thing that just really hit me about this song. he could have taken something from any of his songs. but that song. the song that literally ends in "why does it have to be so hard?"
        at the end they start with "mine is the pressure / mine is the pain." then again "mine is the fury / mine is the gain." "minus the glory / minus the praise." "mine is the problem / mine is the pain." the wording of "mine is" to sound just like "minus" was obviously intentional and i just keep thinking about if you reversed everything. "minus the pressure / minus the pain." "minus the fury / minus the gain." "mine is the glory / mine is the praise." "minus the problem / minus the pain."
        in that same interview, sufjan said that he "could give a shit about the record" but that the other members meant the world to him. as important as it is to have an outlet where you can just create things in order to feel better, i hope that even if the record as a ~whole didn't mean much, pieces of it did. like. they decided to rename the group. and they didn't change it to just anything. okay so they wanted it to have 3 s's. plenty of names they could have gone with. success has three s's. not that that'd be a good name, but i'm sure you understand where i'm going with this. instead they went for "the anti-hero. endless struggle, the human plague, the existential condition." he starts talking about how we're working towards nothing. i don't know what to make of the interview when he tries to get deep w/r/t the name and then talks about frat parties later. i honestly don't know.
        what i do know is that i can't stop thinking about the name and the fact that there's a vesuvius sample - literally in this video he talks about how the song is about jumping into the mouth of the volcano. BUT HE DECIDES TO USE THAT HERE. this song is called calm it down. as in like. take a step back. breathe for a second. and that juxtaposition is just. I DON'T KNOW. but i could keep going it's like everything about this song either hurts me or makes me think and to think that this group went from s/s/s beak and claw to this (not to say beak and claw was bad) but going from that to this? my /heart/

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(no subject)

Jan. 2nd, 2014 | 05:59 pm

today i had this long conversation with one of my stepsisters about a lot of things, mainly our parents/families and things we'd been through b/c of them. in the time since i've been home, most people in my house have gotten angry at each other for a variety of reasons and stopped talking. i got home the 18th of december. i'm pretty sure the only people who aren't angry at this stepsister (for the time being, this isn't to say that there weren't issues b/w them earlier) are her dad & me. i can't keep track of who is pissed off at who most of the time.

i'm really sick of talking to most of the people in my house about anything because i never talk to them about anything. it always ends up being the other person complaining about everyone else in the house. the amount of times people have just come up to me and started whining is unbelievable. there's a difference between complaining and venting. today? this was venting. it was the first time in god knows how long i had an actual conversation with someone in this house instead of just nodding and saying "mhm" and pretending that i could spare two fucks to give.

thing is that i don't think anyone in this house knows how to deal with mental illness or people who need help coping with things? we discussed unhealthy coping mechanisms she's used in the past/now and the possible reasons behind people acting the way they did. (although that's something i've always struggled with. having your own issues doesn't just absolve you from blame for what you did. where do you draw the line? you have to take responsibility for the shit you did at some point. and i need to know when i'm allowed to say "you should've known better.") i guess it boils down to the fact that i don't know how to have a conversation with someone and explain that i think they've been through serious emotional abuse even if some of it was "unintentional" (remember, intention doesn't mean shit.)

my sister was trying to get me to be on her side of the issues she's currently having with this stepsister (which is over like thinking my sister is spoiled? which. she kind of is.) but i'm pretty sure no one in my family has any idea what went on with that stepsister in the last 2 months or so and my family is really really shitty at being empathetic/trying to /understand/ why anyone acts out in the way they do. yeah sometimes people start fights over nothing. but maybe they're acting out and projecting the shit they're dealing with? this is one of the reasons why i hate being home, because i'm constantly reminded that if i ever tried to sit someone down and honestly talk, it would go in one ear and out the other.

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