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(no subject)

Nov. 28th, 2014 | 05:57 pm
mood: tired as hell

being forced to be with - or at the very least, being made to feel guilty about not wanting to to be with - family is always a horrible idea. so most holidays suck. esp thanksgiving. esp during a time like this when p much the entire world is just shitty.

things i had to hear on thanksgiving:

  • my boss had a lot of shit happen to her in the past that i didn't know about, [still dk, shit is v underwraps] so that's probably the reason she doesn't have a man in her life; "maybe x y and z happened & she's asexual now who knows" (good to know that you know the word asexual exists but it has a negative connotation and probably only "happens" to people when shit goes wrong) (like dgmw, my boss has /no/ filter and i don't feel guilty about being like "jesus what the /fuck/" sometimes about her, but like. really...)

  • was v nervous about hearing racist comments; was ready to literally get up and walk out of the room if ferguson was mentioned b/c i do not have the strength or patience to try and argue about it w/ anyone in my family. luckily i didn't @ dinner b/c my dad and cousin brought their girlfriends (who are both woc) but that didn't stop me from hearing comments on the ride home. (and you know, p much since i've been home tbh.)

  • everyone is super supportive of lgbt people as long as you're a young boy coming out as gay! so much othering though, "they" - "they're so brave" "they're so nice" "they're such good shopping buddies" oh my god ////LITERALLY//// GOODBYE. but then i heard there's a rumor that bruce jenner is transgender? idk if he's supposedly come out as such? i don't keep up w/ the kardashians so i don't know anything about the family but as soon as that was brought up it was all "lmao lmao / he used to be the best athelete in the world / now he looks like an old lesbian etc etc" i'm just. cool 2 know y'all are super supportive of everyone who doesn't fit into heteronormative ideals

  • tons of "lmao god is definitely a woman" b/c she's spiteful as hell against all the white males i know apparently

  • how many times can i hear "retarded" in one week? i will try and keep you updated

then i tried to ask my dad about money since later today my car insurance is supposed to be taken out of my account as it is every month..... yk, for both cars under my name..... even though i'm fucking done w/ that scion and have been for a year and a half. [last time he gave me some extra for that was prob a few months ago, but i don't think he realizes how many months he owes me for.] he told me he'd try and give me s/t today or tomorrow and actually did manage to give me $400 today so that there would be enough money in my account for this month's payment to go through. what he doesn't remember is that on top of that, i have 2 utility bills to cover, prob[?] $100 or so each, plus another $400 for rent for next month, plus the rest of the $650 or so for this semester. plus i need a little bit of money to eat [?] and make sure i have enough to be able to drive back up. [i'm coming back next weekend again for that free concert but i asked my mom if she'd make that my bday present so that she didn't have to spend extra lending me money for so much] plus i want to participate in a secret santa thing w/ my college friends [only $25 at most] and like. just. /sighs/ my stepsister was just like "jesus do you need me to lend you some money" even though i'm sure she knows i would never borrow any from her and my mom was like "you know i don't mean your dad disrespect but he doesn't take any of this seriously" and i was like "lmao it's fine because i /do/ mean disrespect" since he also owes my mom another $250 bc she had to pay my sister's phone bill. but like, he doesn't even know that he thinks he owes my sister that money because otherwise my mom probably wouldn't get that money back...... [also my mom paid for the first $600 of my tuition for this year b/c my dad didn't have it so technically he owes her that too.]

lmao at least now my mom knows that i was barely sleeping last semester because i was under so much financial stress
. i mean i haven't been sleeping super well this semster either, but it's better than last semester and i think that's b/c i'm already registered for next semester and i just can't even muster up enough energy to care anymore. my mom just told me i look like i lost some weight and i told her it was proably b/c i'm trying to spend less on food/eat less to save money. Nice.

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(no subject)

Nov. 22nd, 2014 | 01:13 am

it's really really strange to go from being a little kid who swore on everything that she'd live to be 100 just to make it to three digits to being a young adult who constantly wonders whether or not she'll die young.

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(no subject)

Aug. 20th, 2014 | 02:46 am

oh right plus i was planning on spending some of my own money trying to get a new laptop this summer but now i'm too afraid to spend anything

so my mom says she'll get me one when she gets some money after selling her father's house

and now i feel guilty about taking that from her because i wanted to pay for it myself

but i'm too worried i'll need to save as much of my own money as i can in order to pay rent b/c idk if my parents will be able to help out with that

so you know

financial worries are really fun

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(no subject)

Aug. 20th, 2014 | 02:42 am

officially wednesday which means it is officially the 20th

officially the day fall registration is supposed to reopen for people like me

sat w/ sister & both parents this weekend and tried to talk about this. dad thought my tuition was like 4k less than it is. which must mean he didn't pay attention at all last semester. this is all i have thought about for months, the one thing that's been stressing me out more than anything in a long ass time and after having talked to my dad about this in april [/APRIL/] preparing him for the fact that this money would be due at the end of august, we don't have it.

i promised him i'd go to the bank tomorrow put my last two checks in and lend him 1k to help
. still not enough though.

how am i supposed to go back in just under two weeks without having registered for any classes & owing the school thousands? there is almost nothing open and now there is going to be even /less/ open.

the only way he's going to pay for my sister's classes are by the few thousand he borrowed from his friend.

don't tell me i can go away and then have everything all out from under me

please smash my face in with a brick

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(no subject)

Jun. 14th, 2014 | 09:02 am

woke up to the news today that my stepdad's father passed last night. i've only met him a handful of times but for literally both of them to pass this close to father's day? jesus fucking christ

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(no subject)

Jun. 9th, 2014 | 11:12 pm

wow so i went out to dinner w/ my stepdad and stepsister to visit my other stepsister @ work [she's a server] and he was talking to her about how he applied for a credit card for her and i just found out that he also applied for one for me? [i had no idea?] but it was turned down apparently because my dad still hasn't paid my school bill and apparently that's under my name. she was like "it's fine; it just can't happen again." he says he's paying this week but god only knows when that will /actually/ get done. my mom says "as long as that gets done i'm sure it'll be fine because i know you're good with saving money and paying for things on time" and i was like "i mean yeah i am but only when i'm not worried that i don't have enough in the bank?" i'm gonna put some of the cash he gave me in the bank tomorrow along with my last paycheck and try not to spend money and much at all for the next like 3 weeks or so and see if i'll actually be able to buy a laptop this summer. i /really/ fucking need one. also i need to know i'm not going to school with like /nothing/ in my bank account yk

sighs shakes fist at sky about money and school
. was talking to jessie abt this yesterday and she'd been worrying about her school loans for next year so much for the past three days she felt physically ill. the fact that students have to deal with this type of thing is such bullshit. happy about obama trying to pass this ten percent cap tho. jesus christ.

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(no subject)

Jun. 7th, 2014 | 01:16 am

okay, i haven't been around to post much here because my grandfather passed on wednesday. not that anyone reads this, but yk. i haven't shed a tear [i mean we knew it was happening but i hoped it would stir up /something/ in me.] i'm sad but i don't think anything's really like hit me yet i guess. but again, it's not like we saw him all the time either so it's not the type of thing where it'll affect my day-to-day life and i guess it'll take longer to sink it because of that. it happened on wednesday literally as i was getting ready and texting my sister to get ready to go visit him so that kind of sucks. luckily i got to see him beforehand, after he'd gotten out of the hospital [in april, over spring break] but my sister hadn't in months as far as i know.

today was the wake and tomorrow is the final viewing, funeral and burial. i'm hoping maybe then something will happen. i say i'm sad but it's the type of sad where you feel like you /should/ be sad but you don't really feel much of anything? so. idk. after that i'm supposed to be driving to meet up w/ some high school friends in montauk. we were all supposed to go together this morning and spend the whole weekend there and i don't want to literally not go at all, but i do want to make sure i don't miss anything w/ the family because even if i'm not feeling much i could never forgive myself. i'm also worried about my mom. and my stepdad. his father's still sick and i felt terrible because before he met us at the wake today he had to go visit his sick father, who's birthday was today. 88 years old. his mother just passed last november.

my dad came tonight which was nice, and when he heard about all the money i'd been spending on things this summer [dental work/car insurance/first month's rent for the house this fall] he gave me some money which i hadn't been expecting. tbh he probably owes a few hundred more for the car since he tehnically bought it from me last year but i'm continuing to pay for insurance, [cheaper that way] but the fact that he was able to give any right now made me feel a lot better. i hate that having money has become feeling like a safety net and literally 99% of my anxieties are tied to financial issues but i guess that's just the way things are rn.

also about yet /another/ shooting? @ spu? i'm so fucking done w/ everything right now.

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(no subject)

May. 30th, 2014 | 05:58 pm

i sent my check in the mail for the rent today for the house for next year and had my temporary crown put in and paid $400 for that too. i basically have less than $200 in the bank rn and that just feels so uncomfortable for me. i know my parents are going through a lot and i wouldn't need to be helping out as much as i have been with money if that weren't the case [and i enjoy doing it! i really do! it makes me feel independent, like an adult who's actually trying to be a functioning member of society even if she can;t really contribute much to it.] i just don't make enough to really keep it up as much as i have been. [sighs]

anyway, as i was driving home from the city last night, my sister told me apparently my grandfather's nurse[?] idk someone w/ some sort of medical background says they don't know whether it'll be a day or a month. so i'm assuming it'll be some day in june. my stepfather just told me that apparently the other day he said he was getting better because miley cyrus visited him. so i'm assuming it's going to be soon. [??? i didn't even think he knew who miley was?] i can't even feel upset at my mom anymore about not talking to me because i'm just thinking she can;t and doesn't know how and is going through so much already, especially because - i forgot to mention in the last post - that my stepdad's father is also extremely sick although he seems slightly better than my blood-related grandfather for the time being.

anyway, i'm just gonna continue to think about tmg and play w/ my dog and maybe exercise some. also reading. i got a book by another author at the readings yesterday and so far it's really good. the woman said she probably hadn't written it had it not been for tmg, and within the first three chapters i understood why. and i can;t wait to read that, the junot diaz book i finally got myself, the other author's book from the reading [i have to find out what it was called, i forgot!] & of course john's in the fall. i want to learn how to actually enjoy reading again and not fall asleep in the middle of a chapter like i have all school year. maybe that was just stress or s/t. let's hope so.

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(no subject)

May. 29th, 2014 | 03:16 am

i feel kind of weird about my personal and i also don't like having all my feelings in one spot so i guess i should come back here especially since a few months ago i decided it'd be a good idea to use this again in the first place.

i've been working like almost every day since i've been back and i'm suddenly hella sick and don't even feel like i can call out because i've taken a lot of very specific days off this next month. [luckily as for the next few days i'm supposedly only working saturday night.] i need nyquil so bad rn.

my grandfather is really sick, as in he may not make it for another week or so and although i knew he'd been sick for the past few months i only found out that it had finally gotten to this stage because my stepsister accidentally said something assuming i knew. i get that my mom doesn't want to overwhelm me or anything, but it's not like i was really close with my grandfather? i'd like to be able to visit him and say goodbye of course, but i'm more kind of upset b/c she hasn't said anything to me, especially because my stepsister overheard her saying "well i was going to but then she had just gotten hme from work, and had work tomorrow etc etc." ...like excuses excuses. i had to go to work /right/ after i found out sugaree died 2 years ago and i got through it. no one ever told me anything abut things that were going on at home while i was away and i don't know if it was because they felt hurt that i wanted to go away or what. [it still looks like it stings them when i say i miss it and i hate to be like "i really need to move out i wish i could stay there i really don't want to be here" but it's hard to completely hide that from them and i think they see it.

i'm just trying to focus all my energy on the fact that i get to see john darnielle in the flesh tomorrow, reading from his new book out this fall, and not only do i get to see a one night only show of night vale [which i desperately need to catch up on] in the city on wednesday but i'm meeting up w/ bridget there for the first time! hella cool

i'm trying to pay for as many things as i can at home, i've paid for all of my dentist appointments so far, and i just wrote  a check for my first month's rent of the house upstate for school that i have to send out tomorrow. i promised my dad that i'd lend him $1,000 to help pay for my school so that i could finally register for next semester [although i won't be able to for almost a month i believe hahahahahah kilL me] but i also desperately need a new laptop and i'm trying to figure out how the fuck i'm going to be able to keep /some/ money in my account for when i go bak up to school. the entire reason i was so crazy about not spending money before was because i was worried that there'd be a situation that i'd have to bail someone out of and it was like emergency money. 2 bad 2k14 is the year of emergencies when it comes to education.

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(no subject)

Jan. 27th, 2014 | 02:10 am

well, i'm back at school and have been busy-ish for the past few days but not busy enough.

my sister just texted me to tell me she got into an accident; it wasn't bad, i think the only thing that happened was that the other car's bumper came off. it was her fault though, because she ran a light. she just kept telling me she was scared that my mom was gonna kill her because she got into a big enough crash in october for her insurance to skyrocket... and /then/ disobeyed my mom driving around in the snow last week while my mom warned her about accidents. karma is a bitch.

my grandpa was in the hospital because he had some infection that i think is finally gone? he's in some sort of rehab now to help him walk because he lost so much weight and then was basically too weak to walk for a while. i got my sister's text and thought she was about to give me bad news w/r/t the family, not her own mistakes. she literally just called me and almost started crying and i barely even feel anything except feeling slightly annoyed because my parents are going to freak and they're already under enough financial stress as it is. but then again i don't feel much about that either. this apathy is beginning to wear me out.

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